Overheard: Professor and Student Redux

Professor: ...so recent scientific and medical discoveries are pointing to the idea that your mind is actually just a combination of biological and sensory processes that are dependent on your brain to exist. In the future, the concept of mind-body dualism may just turn out to be an illusion related to how we consciously interact with our environment. That concludes the chapter on monism, dualism, and pluralism. Next week...

Student: Professor, are you an atheist?

Professor: ...your exam will cover... I'm sorry, John, what did you ask?

Student: Are you an atheist?

Professor: I'm... Why do you ask?

Student: You're teaching us that science has a problem with God!

Professor: Well, no, actually I was just pointing out the possibility of...

Student: I'm a Christian. I have a soul. When my brain dies, my soul will live on in heaven.

Professor: What do you think a soul is? (To the class) Ok class, exam on Monday, be prepared!

(The rest of the class files out into the hallway)

(Student is silent)

Professor: I would say that the concept of a human soul describes what makes you you, does that sound right to you?

Student: Yeah, I guess. My soul is, well, me... but more than that. It's beautiful and immortal.

Professor: Ok. Can you prove a soul exists? Do you have evidence for it?

Student: My soul is who I am. Without it, would I be me?

Professor: That's a good question. Scientists have yet to find evidence of a human soul, so people who think it exists believe it exists supernaturally. Do you take the existence of your soul on faith?

Student: Yes, I have faith in my soul, but you have faith too.

Professor: I might. I certainly don't see a...

Student: (Excited) Is there such a thing as heat?

Professor: What?

Student: Because cold is just the absence of heat, not it's opposite. Is there such a thing as darkness?

Professor: Stop for a second. I know what you're referring to. First, that's not a true...

Student: Because darkness is just the absence of light, I mean, you can't get darker than dark, can you?

(Professor is annoyed but silent, gathering his thoughts)

Student: So, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Professor: Ok, Einstein, what is a premise?

Student: You are working on the Premise of Duality. You argue that there is life and there is death. That there is...

Professor: Ok, please stop. I don't need you to run through the script as if it were the all-purpose method for upstaging the smug university atheist elite. First, the argument you're making is completely irrelevant to the conversation we're having. I'm trying to help you answer your questions, not propose a definite solution. Second, that story is just not true. Einstein never had that conversation. No philosophy professor I've ever met, atheist or otherwise, would ever berate a student like that and keep their job, and they'd know enough to actually teach the problem of evil instead of use it to boost their ego. Also, after just ending an entire section on dualism as well as a section on logical fallacy last month, it really bothers me that you clearly haven't been paying attention in my class enough to know what you mean by “premise of duality,” which is a phrase I've never actually heard before in 25 years of philosophical education. Furthermore, I'm not even an atheist, I'm Jewish. I understand faith, but you must understand that I'm here to teach you philosophy. It will include scientific as well as religious thought, but it's my job to remain objective and show you how people think about these subjects and what we can know about ourselves and our environment. 

(student remains silent)

Professor: John, I want you to do an extra-credit report for me. Don't worry, it's not long. Go home and print out a copy of that circulating “Atheist Professor” story and write a one page report on what existence is, and whether you think nonexistence is the absence of or the opposite of existence. If you want, I can give you a couple of great books on existentialism to read.

Student: Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Professor: I have papers to grade. Have that report on my desk on Monday before the exam. Goodnight, John.

That student's name doesn't matter, because THIS IS FICTIONAL.